As S & E continue to grow, specifically E, I find myself reminiscing about babies. S is 19 months old and a total toddler. He wants to do everything on his own and makes sure you know it if you try to help him. At 6 months old, E is still technically considered a baby, but she's quickly moving from phase to phase. She has just entered the roll all over the floor and get into everything phase. I look at my kids and deeply miss the newborn, cuddle on your chest, sleep all day phase. I miss it so much I have actually thought about having a third child.
That's where the bat shit crazy enters. Not only would we have three kids under three (yeah, that's not happening) but when E was born I had my tubes tied, so it's medically impossible (OK nothings impossible, let's say unlikely). I don't know if this is a simple case of "you want what you can't have" or what? I hated being pregnant. Not because I was uncomfortable, even though I was, but because I had Gestational Diabetes with both pregnancies. I was considered high-risk, was on a very restricted diet (no surrendering to cravings for me), I went to the doctor every 2 weeks my entire pregnancies, and had ultrasounds (those I didn't mind because I loved seeing the baby) and non-stress tests all.the.time. Don't get me wrong, I loved the fact that I had a life growing inside of me, but those other issues trumped that most of the time.
The other thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is giving birth. Due to the Gestational Diabetes I had a c-section with both babies. I feel like I missed out on the experience of delivering a child. I will never understand that euphoric feeling other women describe. No I'm not envious of the pain of labor, I had pain with a c-section, it's just different. Other women describe the birth process with such joy and love. They tear up when they describe the baby exiting their body and hearing it's first cries of life. With S, I didn't hear his first cries of life because I had a general anesthesia and was asleep. I met him briefly a few hours later but I was so doped up I don't remember. I didn't get to start bonding with him until the following morning. I did get to hear E's first cries of life, but had to wait to start bonding with her until the next day also. She had to stay in the nursery on an IV because of a blood-sugar issue.
Neither of my birth stories are beautiful and I am envious of the birth stories that are. Beautiful or not though, my birth stories are just that, mine, and I am blessed to have two of them. So even though I reminisce about the past and will never have a third child, I wouldn't change the present for anything. I truly enjoy every phase my babies enter and exit, even if it's no longer the newborn, cuddle on your chest, sleep all day phase.
