When I decided to write this blog I made a promise to myself to always be completely honest about everything, including my feelings about mommyhood. I find it very irritating when a mommy praises how wonderful mommyhood is and never admits how hard it can be. I love my children, but let's be honest, being a mommy is challenging and isn't always unicorns and rainbows. There are bad days and sometimes bad weeks.
When I found out I was pregnant with E I was less than thrilled. Ok...I had an all out meltdown. S had just turned 5 months old and I was dealing with some serious hormones, not to mention adjusting to being a SAHM after being laid off from my 11 year Graphic Design job. Plus, my pregnancy and delivery were still very fresh in my mind and I just wasn't ready to deal with gestational diabetes again, constant doctor appointments and everything else that goes along with pregnancy. It took me weeks, if not months, to accept the idea. I felt very guilty that I wasn't as happy about this pregnancy. I feared when E was born that I wouldn't love her, bond with her and would just resent her. I also feared, by having a second baby, S wouldn't get the attention he deserved and was very used to.
When E was born I cried. I looked at this beautiful, blue eyed, 11 pound baby and cried. At the time I wasn't sure what my tears meant. Was I crying because she was finally out of me, because I was happy and loved her or were they "Oh shit, no turning back now, it's a reality" tears. It took me a few weeks to figure it out. At first I was so overwhelmed with everything. Two babies that needed my constant attention. I felt like a hampster on a wheel that was constantly running but not getting anywhere. I couldn't catch my breath and I was about to crack. I cried everyday, and honestly, did resent E because I felt this way.
One day it all changed. I looked at E and my heart melted, I was totally in love. I also decided to not let myself get stressed out anymore. If E cried a few minutes before she was fed, so be it. If S didn't stick exactly to his schedule, so be it. I decided I would get done what I could, and if laundry sat, or if dishes were dirty, so be it. I also decided I was going to accept help when offered and ask for help when needed, I didn't need to be Supermom.
I'll be honest, I still have moments that I am totally overwhelmed but I just remember to take a deep breath and the moment passes. Two babies under two seems to be getting easier everyday, I've even been able to get a few loads of laundry done.
What a great post, Michelle! I appreciate your honesty. Any mom who claims to have it all together(and LOVE every minute of motherhood)is either a liar, or in total denial! We all do the best we can. Some day are better than others. Ive stopped worrying about messy fingerprints and loads of unfinished laundry. At the end of the day Audrey knows she is loved, regardless if the house is a mess or not....thats what matters most! You're doing a great job with your "2 under 2"....ok let's be fair....your 2 under 18 months!!!!
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